How to choose a grief book for a group
Choosing for yourself is a matter of taste. Choosing for a room of bereaved people is a different job, and the book that helped you may be the wrong one for them.
There is no single best book for a grief support group. There are books that work read aloud in a room, and books that do not, and the difference is easy to test before you recommend one to families.
Read the first three pages aloud before you decide
This is the single most useful test and almost nobody does it. Stand up and read the opening of the book out loud, at the pace you would use in a meeting.
Books that work in a group are written in short sentences and short paragraphs. Books that do not will run out of breath, or turn out to be arguing with you rather than speaking to you. You will know within a minute.
What to look for
- Short chapters
- People in early grief cannot concentrate. A chapter that takes four minutes gets read. A chapter that takes thirty does not, and then people stop coming because they are behind.
- Non-linear
- A book you can open anywhere means someone who missed two weeks can still join in. A book with a sequence quietly excludes them.
- Non-denominational
- If you serve families of every faith and none, scripture in the text will exclude somebody. Faith language is fine where it is offered rather than assumed.
- Not tied to one relationship
- A book about losing a spouse leaves the bereaved daughter waiting for her chapter. Check whether the book speaks to the loss or only to one version of it.
- No stages, no timeline
- The stages model was never meant to describe the bereaved, and a book built on it will make somebody in your group feel behind.
- An honest note about what it is
- Look for a book that says plainly whether it is reflection or clinical guidance. If you answer to a committee, that page is what you show them.
What to be careful of
- Memoirs of one specific death. They can be extraordinary and they are often the wrong choice for a group, because half the room is reading about a loss that is not theirs.
- Workbooks with homework. Anything that can be failed will be failed by somebody, and they will leave rather than say so.
- Books that promise recovery. A title that offers closure sets your group up to feel like it did not work.
- Anything you have not finished yourself. You will be asked what happens at the end.
Practical questions worth asking the publisher
- Is there a discussion guide, and is it free?
- Can we get a sample copy before we commit the group to it?
- What does a bulk order of twenty-five look like?
- Will the author join a meeting, and is there a fee?
Small presses and independent authors will often say yes to all four. It is worth asking before you default to a book everybody already has.
Once you have chosen
Say out loud at the first meeting that nobody has to have finished the book, and nobody has to have read it in order. That one sentence removes the most common reason people stay home.
There is more on format, ground rules and what to do when someone is distressed in how to run a grief book club or support group.
About this book
The Second Heart was written with these constraints in mind: thirty-one short chapters, non-linear, non-denominational, and written for anyone who has lost someone they love rather than one relationship. It says on its opening page that it is a personal reflection rather than clinical guidance, and it cites its sources at the back.