What to say to someone who is grieving
Most people say nothing because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Saying nothing is the wrong thing. Here is what to use instead.
Say their name
Grieving people are braced for the person they lost to disappear from conversation. Using the name is the single kindest thing you can do, and it costs nothing.
I have been thinking about David all week.
You do not need a follow-up sentence. The name is the message.
Lines you can use
None of these need to be clever. They need to be true and short.
- I am so sorry. I loved her too.
- I do not know what to say, and I did not want that to keep me from writing.
- You do not have to reply to this.
- I am thinking about you today, and I will be thinking about you next month too.
- Tell me about him whenever you want. I would like to hear it.
- I remember when she taught me to drive. She was extremely calm and I was not.
A specific memory is worth more than any amount of sympathy. It gives the grieving person something they did not have before.
What not to say
These are all said with love, and they all land badly. The reason is the same in every case: each one asks the grieving person to feel better, which quietly makes their grief your problem to manage.
- At least
- At least she lived a long life. At least he did not suffer. Any sentence starting with those two words is a comparison, and grief is not improved by comparison.
- Everything happens for a reason
- This asks someone to defend the death as reasonable on the worst day of their life.
- I know exactly how you feel
- You do not, even if you have lost someone too. Try: I lost my father two years ago. I do not know what this is like for you, but I am here.
- She is in a better place
- Fine if you know they share your faith, and not otherwise. It can read as an argument that the loss was fine.
- Let me know if you need anything
- Kindly meant, but it hands the work back. A grieving person will not call. Offer one specific thing instead.
- Are you feeling better?
- Grief is not an illness with a recovery date. Ask how today is going rather than whether it is over.
Offer the specific thing
Replace the open offer with a closed one. It is far easier to accept, and far easier to decline.
- I am at the shop, what do you need. I am buying it either way.
- I will take the children on Saturday morning. Say no if it is wrong.
- I am dropping food on the step at six. You do not have to open the door.
- I will drive you to the appointment on Thursday.
Then do it. Follow through matters more than the wording, and it is where most people quietly fail.
What to write in a card
Three sentences is plenty. Name, memory, offer.
Dear Anna. I am so sorry about Michael. I keep thinking about the summer he fixed our fence and refused to let us pay him. I will call on Sunday, and you do not have to pick up.
Do not apologise for writing late. Grief lasts longer than sympathy cards do, and something arriving in the third month is often worth more than something arriving in the first week.
Later matters more than now
In the first fortnight the phone does not stop. By the second month it is silent, and that is usually when the loss becomes real.
Put the date in your calendar. The anniversary, the birthday, the first Christmas. Send something on those days, even one line. Almost nobody does, which is exactly why it is remembered.
If they start crying
You did not cause it and you do not have to stop it. Do not apologise for bringing it up. Stay where you are, stay quiet, and let it happen.
The most useful thing most people can offer a grieving person is not words at all. It is company that does not need them to be alright.
A book for the person you are worried about
The Second Heart is written for anyone who has lost someone they love. Short chapters, non-linear, no stages and no homework, built to be opened on a bad day and closed again without guilt. It is the kind of thing people give when they do not know what to say.